My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
