i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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