Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
