Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
