my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
