Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
