47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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