nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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