Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize