what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
