just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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