dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
