The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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