you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I forget how to act sober
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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