dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize