I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
