I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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