I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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