Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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