Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
