It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
