I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
