That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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