Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
