Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
