Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize