Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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