GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
