If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
