My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
you mean i was at the winter classic?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
