Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize