I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize