I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
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