Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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