When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
