If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize