Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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