tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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