First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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