Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
i've created a new STD.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
