She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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