Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I looked at my own cervix.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
