He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
i've created a new STD.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
