Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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