I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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