i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
