I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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