Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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