Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Randomize
