I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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