I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
