Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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