went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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