I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
