So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Randomize
