Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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