I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
