Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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